Please send money to conduct my ministry.

About twice a year, I receive messages from those who think I might fund their ministry. This is one of the variations on the theme...

Dear Sir:

Thank you for ordaining me. I will start my new ministry soon. First, I need assistance to set up an office. I don't need much, just money for office furniture and supplies.

Thank you

Reverend x________ x_________

The Patriarch of the Church responds:

Dear Reverend x________ x_________

How very wise of you to determine that in spite of the fact we charge nothing for our degrees and ordinations, nor do we request donations, yet somehow we have funds available to assist individuals to set up their personal ministries.

Unfortunately we do not have sufficient funds for everyone, only for those who obtain additional specified qualifications so as to demonstrate their seriousness and their ability to handle money.

IUN's^[1] Artur Andersson^[2] School of Ecclesiastical Financial Management offers Bachelor, Masters, and Ph.D. degrees in Parochial Accounting Techniques. Once you obtain one of these degrees you may apply for a start-up grant^[3] to conduct your ministry as follows:

• Bachelor of Parochial Accounting Techniques - Start-up grant of $500
• Master of Parochial Accounting Techniques - Start-up grant of $2500
• Doctorate in Parochial Accounting Techniques - Start-up grant of $5000

You may request as many grants as you collect degrees from IUN's Artur Andersson School of Ecclesiastical Financial Management. For example, if you need $1,000,000 to start your ministry, simply qualify for 200 Ph.D.'s in Parochial Accounting Techniques. It's as easy as that. And you can spend the money on whatever you want, as long as you are able, by applying your skills in Parochial Accounting, to justify to yourself (and to tax authorities, if applicable) that the expenses are related to your ministry.

How do you obtain one of these degrees? Unlike our other range of degrees, we have to charge a small administrative fee^[3] to cover expenses. After all, we must practice sound financial management in at least this particular area. You may apply for a Bachelor of Parochial Accounting Techniques degree for only $750, the Masters degree for $4000, and the Ph.D. for $7500. And in return, you get not only a fine degree, but a valuable lesson in personal financial management.

Looking forward to your application(s)

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