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Meditation 108
An Annotated Genesis

by: J. Maus ( ol’ Broccoli Dick)

Agnostic folks for news who like sense that don’t make sh*t.

Your thoughts on this Meditation are welcome. Please use the contact page to provide your comments for publication.

Once, when I was very young I asked God to please kill me. And after I asked, I asked again and again. And I thought at that time that if God really did love me that He would do this favor for me. I fell asleep that night chanting, “Please God kill me”. I woke up. That was the beginning of the end.

From that point till I first read Socrates, then Plato, then Hegel then B. Russell, my life was nothing. I was lost. Then (as Christians would say), I was reborn. Reborn into what I will call “the real world”. All of the sudden, religion didn’t rule my world. I ruled my world.

I started reading so much about religion and the Bible and philosophy, positive views, negative views, meta-physics, imperialism and so on and so forth. I realized that the one thing that I never bothered to read was the Bible. Then I did. Of all the things I have ever read, the Bible is the most outrageous, radical, logically invalid, mythological , lying and deceptive book ever. I started with the book of Joshua. It was filled with war, hate and killing. That's why and when I decided to pull out all of ȁthe naughty bits” out of the Bible and give my bits of sarcasm, humor and general observation. I hope you enjoy. But most of all I hope I get tons of e-mail from Bible thumping, What Would Jesus Do?, Jesus freakin’ idiots who will say, “I will pray for you”. Yeah, lot’s of good that will do.

Act 1 “Genesis”

Ge 1 : 16 God made the two great lights, the greater light to govern the day, and the lesser light to govern the night; {He made} the stars also.

Yeah, he was like the first one’s the hardest, the next 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 are a breeze.

Ge 1 : 21 God created the great sea monsters

I wonder what’s next, cherubim‘s with flaming swords?

Ge 2 : 12 The gold of that land is good; the bdellium and the onyx stone are there.

What’s the point of good gold in the Garden of Eden? Did they also have a Mac Machine?

Ge 3 : 1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, "indeed, has God said, 'You shall not eat from any tree of the garden'?"

Talking Snakes? Did these talking snakes have lips? Could they smile? If they could talk did they ever tell jokes?

Ge 3 : 16 To the woman He said, "I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you will bring forth children; Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he will rule over you."

Hey, that’s not very nice. On behalf of women everywhere, thanks God.

Ge 3 : 24 So He drove the man out; and at the east of the garden of Eden He stationed the cherubim and the flaming sword which turned every direction to guard the way to the tree of life.

Or God could have just uncreated it, right?

Ge 5 : 5 So all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years, and he died.

Everybody lived this long according to the Bible. (according to the Bible)

Ge 6 : 5-7 Then the LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great on the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. The LORD was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart. The LORD said, "I will blot out man whom I have created from the face of the land, from man to animals to creeping things and to birds of the sky; for I am sorry that I have made them."

This is a really great quote to remember about the Christian God.

Ge 7 : 11 In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, on the seventeenth day of the month, on the same day all the fountains of the great deep burst open, and the floodgates of the sky were opened.

I’d like to challenge this statistic. The calendar wasn’t invented yet.

Ge 8 : 20-21 Then Noah built an altar to the LORD, and took of every clean animal and of every clean bird and offered burnt offerings on the altar. The LORD smelled the soothing aroma; and...

Now I have an excuse for burning clean birds in my yard. I’ll tell the cops I do it cause God likes the smell.

Ge 11 : 7 "Come, let Us go down and there confuse their language, so that they will not understand one another's speech."


Ge 15 : 9 So He said to him, "Bring Me a three year old heifer, and a three year old female goat, and a three year old ram, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon." Then he brought all these to Him and cut them in two, and laid each half opposite the other; but he did not cut the birds.

He didn’t cut the birds because birds are for burning not for just simply cutting in half.

Ge 17 : 14 "But an uncircumcised male who is not circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin, that person shall be cut off from his people; he has broken My covenant."

Didn’t God create us in His image? Why mutilate ourselves and/or have to fix His mistake?

Ge 19 : 6-8 But Lot went out to them at the doorway, and shut the door behind him, and said, "Please, my brothers, do not act wickedly. "Now behold, I have two daughters who have not had relations with man; please let me bring them out to you, and do to them whatever you like; only do nothing to these men, inasmuch as they have come under the shelter of my roof.”

This is a supreme example of why the bible is “the good book”.

Ge 19 : 26 But his wife, from behind him, looked {back,} and she became a pillar of salt.

She was then useless. I guess.

Ge 19 : 36 Thus both the daughters of Lot were with child by their father.

Hmmm, sounds like pedophile child incest.

Ge 28 : 12 He had a dream, and behold, a ladder was set on the earth with its top reaching to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it.

They were using a ladder? I thought angels had wings?

Ge 38 : 7 But Er, Judah's firstborn, was evil in the sight of the LORD, so the LORD took his life.

Sure would be nice if the Lord did this little favor for us. i.e. Hitler, Dahmer, Saddam, Bill Gates, Catholic Priests and so on.

Please pray for me,