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Meditation 167
Wonko Loves You
Just an another alternative religion

Author Unknown

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Wonko would kill anyone daring to recreate his image, but this is an approximation of what he looks like.

Behold Wonko. Love him.

...or else.

Note: The following was originally published on Usenet, and reprinted enough times to lose reference to it's original author. The version here was found on Drew Mattke's web site, and is republished with his permission. We would be happy to credit the original author if identified.

Wonko the Magic Elf, lord and creator of the universe loves you. Yes, even you, you pathetic boob. Wonko loves everyone. Wonko loves you so much he wants to make you an offer you can't refuse. Wonko says "BELIEVE IN ME OR I WILL TORTURE YOU FOREVER".

There, you heard it. Isn't that a wonderful offer? I am here to preach the GOOD NEWS of the death and resurrection of Wonko.

You have been made the offer of a lifetime. If you refuse, Wonko will send you to WONKO'S POOL HALL when you die. You scoff, you miserable unbeliever, but it is true. How do I know it is the TRUTH? Because Wonko says it is!

Verse 1567, line 42 of the Revealed Holy Wisdom of Wonko: "YOU CAN BELIEVE ME BECAUSE I ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH".

See, Wonko would never lie to you. You have no excuses anymore. Accept Wonko right here and now as your personal savior and lord, OR BURN FOREVER IN WONKO'S POOL HALL!!

And, Wonko's Pool Hall is no ordinary pool hall. Nosirree Bob! Not a chance. Wonko promises you this: The flames are ten times hotter than hell. The demons are ten times nastier, and THE ETERNITY IS TEN TIMES LONGER!

Wonko will never let you go. Wonko loves you, but he is a deranged sadist who will torture you ten times worse than any dead Jew on a stick could even dream of in his worst nightmares if you refuse him.

Lord Wonko wants to make a bet with you. A kind of wager. Dare you refuse?

You can go on believing in your imaginary, impotent, powerless dead Jew, or you can accept Wonko. Wonko could never be crucified. He's too damn MEAN AND ORNERY TO EVEN LET YOU TRY! Wonko would have rammed that cross up Pilate's ass the microsecond he started waving it around. Put that in your empty sepulcher and smoke it, Christ boy!

Just think, is it too much to ask to BELIEVE? And look at the consequences if you are wrong. INFINITE TORTURE FOR TEN ETERNITIES IN A PIT OF FIRE SO AWFUL EVEN DANTE COULDN'T BEGIN TO IMAGINE IT! How dare you refuse?

Are you man enough to accept the loving kindness of the living Wonko into your heart? Or will you walk away into the dark night of the absence of Wonko? It is UP TO YOU. Wonko has given you free will just so you have no excuse for refusing him, in the full knowledge of what a pitiful slave and puppet you really are.

Remember, this is no ordinary Wonko. I am here to tell you this is THE NECESSARY WONKO! The one and only infinite being who set the universe in motion.

Wonko also performs BETTER MIRACLES THAN JESUS. Wonko laughs at wine. Wonko can turn water into SINGLE MALT SCOTCH. Wonko doesn't just walk on water. WONKO JOGS OVER THE ENTIRE PACIFIC OCEAN EVERY SINGLE DAY. Wonko didn't rise from the dead once. WONKO RISES FROM THE DEAD EVERY SINGLE MORNING, with a skull splitting hangover that makes Hiroshima look like a wet fire cracker, so you better just watch your ass around Wonko. Can Jesus do that? Wonko picks Jesus out of his nose.

Beware of false Wonkos. There is only one true dead and resurrected living Wonko the son of Wonko. In the name of Wonko the Father, Wonko the Son and Wonko the Holy Ghost. Amen.

Wonko bless you. Kyrie Eleiawonko.

I beg you to think. Any day, even today, you could be walking along, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, a careening out of control, giant 18 wheel semi, with a passed out alcoholic driver could come screaming out of nowhere and leave you lying in the road with your guts spread all over to hell and gone, without even a chance to beg Wonko for forgiveness. And BOOM, there you are, right in the middle of Wonko's pool hall, being doused with KC masterpiece barbecue sauce by Wonko's giggling, sadistic minions and roasted over a fire that makes the heart of a main sequence blue-white giant feel like a cool breeze.

Take the Wonko pledge today. Tomorrow may be too late.

I am a miserable pathetic lousy little boob of a sinner. I am completely incapable of taking responsibility for my own life. I have no hope, no future and no brain. I pledge to let Wonko be my lord and master forever and ever.


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